Thursday, June 16, 2011

Graduation Dress Codes

I drive by the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR) building every morning on the way to work. I usually fly by and think about how I skipped Sonic Youth when they opened for Wilco or the long beer lines at Widespread Panic shows. Those thoughts haven't crossed my mind for a couple of weeks. Now, every day I watch out for well-dressed mid-morning jaywalkers because, HOORAY!, it's D.C. graduation season and DAR is the main venue.

To be honest, I don't always look out for well-dressed jaywalkers. Yesterday I didn't see one. Apparently, the principal of whatever high school graduated at 10:30 forgot to send a letter home informing friends and family that even high school graduations have a dress code.  I wanted to pull my car over and inform people of the ground rules:

"Brah-man, I know a graduation is a celebration, but it ain't a barbecue. Go home and change your t-shirt and blue plaid clam diggers into your Sunday best."

"Chica, I know that you know that we know that you looks foine in those frayed Daisy Dukes, but when you walk up the steps you show the little kids a little too much about life. And there's old men here, if they see that someone might have a heart attack, and the kiddies don't need to learn about life and death while you celebrate your sister's graduation."

And the Nigerians... Well the Nigerians were the only group dressed appropriately. We know how to look good when we celebrate... And we know when to use sidewalks.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Kool-Ade Dictionary: Guano

Guano: adjective

1. Really crazy.

2. Bat shit insane.

-usage- "She did what when you told her you weren't coming home? Do you have fire insurance? That chick is guano."

origin - guano

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Kool-Ade Dictionary: Judgertainment

Judgertainment: noun

1. the derivement of pleasure from the harsh criticism of strangers

2. the act of amusing oneself by secretly criticizing coworkers

-usage- "Screw the environment. I take public transit for the judgertainment. The joy I get from that is more refreshing than my morning coffee."

origin - Judge + entertain + ment

see also: Any website's comment board

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Can I Get That On A Bumper Sticker

I was almost simultaneously sideswiped and rear-ended driving through Alexandria. I'm gonna let you guess what demographic these Danica Patrick impersonators fall into. How did I respond? Not with anger, but by saying to myself, "These honky drivers be trippin'!" I think that's unfunny enough to be a really successful bumper sticker. But it's too confusing for those people who don't know the ebonic definition of trippin', you know, honkies. And honkies LOVE bumper stickers. I think they'd prefer a bumper sticker that said, "These Honkie Drivers Be Beepin.'"  That's sooo dumb, it'll make me as rich as the guy who invented the pet rock.

Inspired by Tracy Jordan's, "This honky grandma be trippin!'"

Monday, February 07, 2011

The Koo-Ade Dictionary: celebracabra

Celebracabra: noun

1. A mythical Mexican celebrity that roams the countryside using its perfectly manicured nails and capped teeth to mutilate livestock.

2. A Hollywood celebrity who has had frighteningly bad plastic surgery and looks as if they enjoy mutilating livestock.

-usage- I was watching Sons of Anarchy last night. I think that Ally Walker is a celebracabra. I expected her to jump on someone's back and tear out their larynx with her teeth.

-origin- celebrity + chupacabra

see also: Joan Van Ark

Friday, February 04, 2011

Blake Griffin: The Great Rusty Hope

Rusty. That’s a new racial term for me. My sister and brother-in-law used it while we talked about this years NBA Rookie of the Year.

Opie Cunningham: So, baby, Griffin is rusty, right?

Moni-Love: Yeah, but I think the proper term is biracial.

Kool-ade:  I hate that word. Biracial. It’s so nondescript. Is he Indian and Chinese? Is he Anglo and Latino? I prefer the term mulatto.

Moni-Love:  I think you’re the only person alive in this century who does.

I know. In this day and age race shouldn’t matter. I know.  Antiquated labels like colored and mulatto and octoroon are offensive. We shouldn’t even need words like biracial. But shit, how are we supposed to describe the diversity seen in the American populace? How do we show the knowledge and pride of our personal histories? When my buddy refers to himself as fettuccine el negro, I know that he’s proud of being African-American and Italian.  If he just says he’s biracial, I only get a partial answer for why he looks Egyptian but sounds Jersey.

But rusty, yeah that’s a new one.  Moni-Love and Opie notice rusty kids wherever they go.  Then they search for the kids’ parents.  At some point Moni and Opie are gonna breed, and apparently they’re wondering if their kids will come out rusty.  They wanna get a rough sense of the odds.

Kool-aid: So what exactly is rusty?

Moni-Love: You know, skin of an indeterminate hue, freckles maybe, auburn or orangish frizzy hair…

Kool-aid: Oh… Yeah… Rusty is tough on a kid. I saw an interview with a model who was rusty, but who’s siblings weren’t. Rough.

Moni-Love: But she grew into it right? I mean, she’s a model.

Kool-aid: High fashion. Skinny and unique. Kinda looks like a drag queen.

Moni-Love:That’s no good.

And so the search continues. Opie and Moni have yet to find a duo of parental dopplegangers.  Living in San Diego, they prolly won’t have much success.  I suggested they take a trip to England, where pale white people and Africans began breeding the first attractive Brits in the late 1950’s.

I don’t wanna give the impression that my sister is superficial.  She’s not gonna leave an ugly baby at the local fire department.  She just knows what it’s like to grow up looking different.  Lots of ‘WTF moments’ that need to be explained to a kid in order to minimize developmental damage.  She also had an awkward phase that our mom thinks lasted from age 8 to 18.  If my sister’s offspring has a ginger-black awkward phase, it will probably last from 3 to infinity. And if it does, I hope the kid finds positive rusty role models.  Like Blake Griffin, who seems to be a hard working, respectful (if he’s not dominating you on the court), and well-adjusted adult.  And I hope the kid doesn’t have to be home-schooled, like Griffin, to end up hard working and well adjusted.  Then again, I could be convinced to be a live-in tutor. I have so much knowledge to share.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Bad Carnies

I hear that your circus
is hiring clowns
You've posted "Help Wanted"
in the geekiest towns
But good freaks and good geeks
are so serious now
That there are no good carnies
who stand out in a crowd

There was Beeker the Tweeker
who danced night and day
You liked him so much
'til you found he was gay

And then Buster passed muster
with his strongman routine
But his snuff porn fixation
showed his thoughts too obscene

Then there's Gawker Stiltwalker
well he just got locked up
Because Gawker's a stalker
who just won't give up

No, I just don't like clowns
with their painted facades
That they shove in your face
as they dance their charade

You need entertainment
that's honest and true
You need entertainment
that feels good to you

You should get an elephant... and some monkeys

Monday, October 04, 2010

When I spend all day watching College Football, I think...

1.  If I hear one more college marching band play 7 Nation Army by the White Stripes, I'm gonna start watching MEAC games so I can hear bands with talent and originality.  And I did. Hampton vs. Delaware State.

2. Georgia, hands down, has the best string of losses I have ever seen. Their games are just fun to watch. I enjoy their losses better than Virginia Tech's, and that's saying a lot.

3. Denard Robinson misrepresents the University of Michigan.  He does not effuse any of the pretension or delusion that I've come to associate with graduates of the "Harvard of the Midwest".  I'm glad he will be leaving early, good riddance. This behavior is what I expect from a Michigan grad.

4. Alabama is the only pro football team left in the NCAA's. I wonder how long Nick Saban will be there?

5. ESPN 3 is the place to watch games you missed, with commentary from announcers who don't realize their mics are still on during commercial breaks. Sean McDonough dropped this gem at Boston College last Saturday night, "Some of these people are terrible. Is that guy I wanted to flick off still sitting under us?"

6. Erin Andrews either played Legend of Zelda or had a Keebler cookie addiction as a kid. Maybe not. Maybe I'm hoping we have something in common. But my friends and I noticed that she wears a lot of green and brown outfits with a plethora of over-sized buckles. If that that isn't evidence of an elven fixation, I don't know what is.

Friday, August 13, 2010

iPhone Love

Raise your hand if you've ever been in an inter-racial relationship... Now raise your hand if you've only been in inter-racial relationships. Just me? Okay then. That's not true. The two girls I dated in college were black. But I use those terms loosely, 'black' and 'dated'. They both had that good hair and were cheating on their white boyfriends by hooking up with me. African-ness is a strong aphrodisiac.

I think the beginning of any romantic relationship is an exciting time.  But there's this funny feeling I get when I feel like I'm about to get my swirl on.  I feel like I'm unwrapping a gift. As I slowly get a better view of what's under that pretty wrapping paper, I always find a new iPhone. And then I realize that this iPhone, like all the ones before it, is gonna stop working for me after four months. It'll crash faster if I try to show it to my parents.

Kool-ade: "Hey Mom, I got a new iPhone."

Mom: "A new one? What color is it?"

Kool-ade: "It doesn't matter what color it is, it's an iPhone. It's got a Stevie Wonder ring tone. You'll love it."

If I attempt to show my phone's wonderful features to my mom, it will crash, and I'll get the same error message that says: "you're a great guy, just not great for me." That's the first, last and only error message I ever get.

Whenever this happens, my mom without fail, says something like, "You should get the iPhone your sister has, she's had hers for over 10 years."  Then I get pissed and yell something like, "Mom, how many times do I have to tell you, I'm not gay!"

My older brother told me a story about a conversation he'd had with our dad when my brother was five. Pops sat him down and said, "Tunafish, (that's my brother's nickname) Tunafish you will be a lifelong iPhone customer, and there is nothing wrong with that." My brother was really confused, 'cause he was five, and it was 1979 and iPhones hadn't been invented yet, but he went with it. He was a smart kid. So he asks, "Dad, why can't I have a Blackberry? You have a Blackberry." Then dad was like, "Son, Blackberrys just won't work for you. But you'll have lots of iPhones. Tons of 'em. They'll be throwin' them at ya'. Well... Good talk." Dad walked away, leaving my brother alone at the kitchen table, tears soaking his graham crackers, overcome with worry about possible coverage issues and international usage rates. True story.

The first time he told me that story, I asked the obvious question, "How the fuck did you guys know about digital phones in '79?" He looked at me and paused, as a tear came to his eye, and he fought down the lump in his throat, remembering that traumatic yet prophetic conversation. "I don't know man. I don't know..." True story.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


The partner managing my project just threw a hissy feet because he saw people using their blackberrys while coding documents. If you pay people to analyze 1 document every 45 seconds, you gotta expect them to be able to dispatch with a personal message in negligible time. He still wants to dock people's pay. If you do that, you'll have to stop paying me every seven seconds for thinking about sex. And stop paying the chick next to me every time she thinks about how she looks. Hmm. Maybe that's the hidden rationale behind paying women less for the same job.